So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
