you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
