there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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