Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
