everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
