Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
