mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
worst night to have a conscience
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
