Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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