Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
