so explain again why im purple
no
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
