The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
