Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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