So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize