I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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