I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
