he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
