It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
