Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So much Jack, so little girl.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
