I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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