Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She is in my trunk
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
