we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
