She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
