My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
