mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
