I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
