so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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