New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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