i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
