I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
