Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize