she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
