Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
