Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
