Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
