my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
