How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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