I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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