My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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