i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
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Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
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For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize