Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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