Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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