I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
