I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
