he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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