my phone needs a breathalizer
only if we run a train.
done.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
