Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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