I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
