As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
