I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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