I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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