mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
