Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he told me I talked like a deaf person
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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