its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
