Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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